How to be a good sex partner as a man? A loving guide to better sex

There's a ton of sex advice out there. A lot of it is about performance, technique, and "how to be good in bed." And let's be honest: there's no one-size-fits-all answer.

This guide is about how to be a good sex partner – not through technique and performance, but through care, hygiene, consent and attention.

It is based on experiences from heterosexual women and focuses on the small, practical details that create security and better sex for both partners.

The guide has been validated by a number of heterosexual women in our community and written with the utmost care and respect by me – a heteronormative, cisgender woman in her mid-30s.

The framework is set. Let's get started.

What is a good sex partner?

With guides comes labels: good and bad, right and wrong. And the truth is, there are a thousand answers – without a single answer. But let's try to put something in common.

A good sex partner is someone who checks in before, during, and after sex – and respects boundaries.

Whether it's a new partner or someone you've known for years, we bring our lives into the bedroom: mood, energy, sleep, cycle, contraception, stress. All of which affect desire and body.

Checking in can be what helps us get out of our heads and into our bodies.

👉 Read the guide to understanding a woman's cycle and what's actually happening in the body

A good sex partner is also someone who is curious – not routine-blind.

Sex is a new experience every time. Yet many of us fall into the trap of repeating what we usually do. Something someone once said was nice. Something we've seen in porn. The same "recipe": foreplay, penetration, ejaculation.

But what's delicious for one person isn't necessarily delicious for the next person. Or for the same person the next time.
Assume nothing. Clean slate. Whenever.

And most importantly: A good sex partner understands that good sex is something you create together – not something you take.

Good sex is good for both. When there is a balance between giving and receiving. When you can give yourself without crossing boundaries.

Not because you're doing anything wrong.
But because intimacy deserves care.

1. Always wash your hands and cut your nails - basic hygiene before sex

Yes. I'm writing that.

If you touch a woman's lower abdomen, you are touching one of the most delicate areas of the body. The skin is thin, and dirty hands or sharp nails can cause cuts, irritation, and infections – even if it is “just” quick.

Bacteria from hands and nails can disrupt the balance in the vagina and lead to fungus, redness and itching. That's not sexy.

So:

• Wash your hands thoroughly before sex.

• Cut and file your nails

• Think: Do my nails feel nice on my own thigh?

Low-key care is sexy too.

2. Make sure there is paper on the bedside table

It sounds banal. It's not.

What goes in, comes out. During penetration without a condom, semen will leak out again – sometimes immediately, sometimes hours later. Not always a nice thing to discover (if you have a regular sex partner, consider giving a pair of absorbent panties as a gift - so nice after sex).

If you don't have paper at hand, get it for your partner. Because few people find it enjoyable to:

• limping to the toilet with my balls together

• make a bowl with your hands

• hope for the best

A few pieces of paper signal: I've been thinking about you.
It means more than you think.

3. Change your bedding (yes, even if it "doesn't look dirty")

Bed linen should be changed approximately once a week and washed at 60 degrees.

You sleep. You sweat. You shed skin cells. You live in it.

Do you know that you will have a partner in your bed?
→ Change the bedding beforehand.

It's not about perfection.
It's about respecting the body that has to lie there naked. And use clean towels if you need them. You can feel the difference.

4. Communication during sex: Ask and listen

No bodies are the same. No desires are the same. Not even in the same person every time.
What you think works on “everyone” might only work on one person. Or on no one.

Try phrases like:

• “Do you like it like this?”

• “Do you want more of that – or something else?”

• “How do you like to be touched?”

• “What makes you feel safe?”

• “If I do something you don't like, please tell me”

Asking is not uncertainty.
It's attention. Responsibility. And extremely attractive.

5. Wipe your penis with toilet paper during the day

And please wash it with water before sex. Yes, please.

Old urine contains bacteria, smells, and can increase the risk of infection during penetration. The vagina is self-cleaning – that's one of the reasons we have discharge – so putting anything dirty up there is a bad idea. Whether it's fingers or a penis.

6. Sex is not something you take – it is something you create together.

Sex is not a performance.
Not a checklist.
And not something you are “allowed to do”.

It is a common room where:

• pace must vary

• Moods must change

• and a no is always just as important as a yes

When your partner feels safe – whether it's a new person or someone you know well – the chance of good sex for both of you becomes significantly greater.

7. The body doesn't always respond as the porn promises

Wet bodies don't always mean pleasure.
Lack of erection does not mean lack of desire.
Dryness doesn't mean you don't have the desire.
Orgasms are not a guarantee – and not the goal in itself.

95% of heterosexual men usually have orgasms.
Only about 65% of heterosexual women say the same.
It's called the orgasm gap in research.

The body is not a machine. It is hormonal, sensitive and impressionable. The female body changes through cycles, pregnancies, perimenopause and menopause.

When you accept that, sex becomes less pressured – and often much better.

8. Keep a good lubricant in your drawer

Have you tried sex with lube? Or hand jobs with lube?

There are so many great, body-safe products available today that can elevate the whole experience. Lubricant is not a lifesaver – it can be a spice that is nice for both of you.

Have one or two ready. You will not regret.

9. Contraception - always have different options

Never assume that your partner is using hormonal contraception. You are responsible for yourself. Your partner is responsible for themselves.

For example, have:

• condoms (note: some may have latex allergies)

• lollipops

Responsibility is also a form of care.

10. Aftercare also counts

When sex is over – with or without orgasm – there is an opportunity to reconnect. Without falling into a performance cliché, this is really where that "up arrow" on the rating scale is hidden. This is where you go from "It was good sex" to "It was a really good sex partner."

Aftercare after sex can be:

• a kiss

• an arm around the shoulder

• a pat on the back

• a “how are you?”

• or just to lie a little close

This is where many feel most vulnerable, but also most seen as human – if you stay. It is caring in the best way, and truly an expression of an attentive lover.

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Good sex is not about being the best, the longest, or the “right” one – but about being attentive, clean, responsible, and safe to be naked with.

Sex isn't just about what you can do.
But about what you can create together.

If you've read all the way down here, you're already well on your way 💛
Enjoy.

sources: Sundhed.dk, Flows community on IG, Videnskab.dk